Break up in peace: why farewell of employees are often painful and how to do it right

Rotem was recruited by a software company immediately after completing her degree in computer science. She was a brilliant developer who integrated well into the SW development team. Within two years, at the young age of 24, she was promoted to team leader position and excelled in this role as well. Her salary increased at nearly fifty percent, she was mentored internally, and she participated in a leadership course within the company. However, she notified her direct manager,  just six months after the promotion, that she is leaving the company. Her resignation came as a complete surprise and was met with a deep sense of shock and discomfort among her managers, who felt offended. In the internal discussion, Rotem’s excellence was played down, and less strong aspects of her performance were emphasized – the prevailing opinion was that Rotem was a mediocre developer, so her departure was "not critical." Despite Rotem’s good relationships with her colleagues, she left the office without the traditional farewell event, leaving a heavy heart behind.

Why, sometimes, is parting from people really painful?

Departure is a natural part of an employee's life cycle. We recognize the immense importance of recruiting the right person for the role, investing heavily in effective onboarding, employee development, and promotion. These aspects are usually characterized by optimism and healthy collaboration between the employee and the organization. In contrast, the separation process can be painful and often leaves both parties with a bitter taste. The process of termination is almost always painful, but is it the same in the case of the employee's resignation? Is this dynamic inevitable? Is it possible to navigate a healthy departure that leaves room for future collaboration?

There is no doubt that a healthy farewell benefits both the employee and the organization. The employee leaves the organization with a positive feeling, understanding the significant value of their contribution over the years. They can gain recommendations, future networking opportunities, and an open door. For the organization, the benefit is equally significant – the departing employee serves as a positive "ambassador," contributing to the organization's positive reputation in the market. Moreover, the employee's colleagues are usually aware of his departure experience. Whether consciously or not, they observe how the organization treats employees when they decide to move on. This impact, therefore, has a high influence on employees' engagement levels.

The Emotional Dynamics of Parting

The organization generally understands the importance of a healthy farewell. Why, then, are painful partings so common? The answer lies in the psychological complexity of the separation experience. Although some characteristics of the workplace differ from family or friendship settings, the emotional dynamics are often similar, and the same patterns operate in situations of separation as in other contexts. Separation certainly entails disappointment from the departing employee, a sense of abandoning ship, and mutual expectations being shattered. An experienced manager might overcome the disappointment and act wisely – "to be smart instead of being right." However, it is also very easy to fail.

This is because an employee's departure, much like a breakup, is a "binary" situation – one day they are a significant part of our lives; we spend most of our waking hours with them, face challenges together, and take pride in achievements. And then one day, it all ends. It's an emotional state that can be unbearable and sometimes triggers strong reactions. The organization tends to blame or "cast aside" the departing employee's weaker aspects, often telling themselves a story that it's good they left. This seemingly eases the experience of loss. From the employee's perspective, feeling undervalued after giving so much to the organization leads to a sense of unfairness. Yet, since they are the one leaving (supposedly the stronger party), they shut down and try to quietly endure the early notice period.

This is, of course, not always the dynamic of departure, but in such cases, the departing employee becomes a "negative ambassador" for the organization, causing damage to the morale and commitment of the remaining employees.

Gen x managers need to adjust expectations…

In many organizations, Gen X managers lead employees from generation Y. People from generation X grew up in an environment characterized by high loyalty to the employer. They expect that an employee who has had significant development efforts invested in them will reciprocate with loyalty to the employer. In contrast, individuals from generation Y grew up in a different environment. The message they absorbed throughout their childhood was that they need to do what is best for them. They operate in an environment where it is completely acceptable to "jump" between jobs and diversify their experiences. Moreover, they came of age during a period of employment uncertainty. They witnessed how their parents were hurt by employers who did not hesitate to terminate them despite being loyal to the organization for many years. This fundamental difference in workplace perceptions increases the tension inherent in separation situations from the very beginning.

What can be done to ensure a "healthy separation"?

The first key is the relationship and trust created between the employee and their manager. When there is a healthy connection, the employee usually shares their difficulties and frustrations with their manager. A healthy relationship improves the chances of retaining the employee in the team. Even if the employee decides to leave eventually, it will be less surprising and more natural as part of a dialogue between both parties. This article focuses on voluntary departure, but dialogue between the manager and the employee is crucial even in cases where the decision to part ways is initiated by the manager. Consider what happens at the moment when the manager informs the employee of the decision (or “intention”- in Israel, most organizations conduct a formal “hearing” process) to terminate their employment. In most cases, the employee is surprised, while the manager is surprised that their employee is surprised ("he knows we're not satisfied; he knows he's not performing well"). When working with managers in performance improvement processes, it is essential to help them "sharpen the message" long before the tough moment of the hearing arrives. An employee will appreciate a difficult and honest conversation now, compared to a situation where they experience frustration and a feeling that they were not given a real opportunity to improve their performance.

Dismissing an employee with “his head down" is a real double-edged sword - always aim for a respectful experience

Another key factor is the organization's response to the employee's departure. It is crucial to reach an understanding with the employee regarding the communication to the rest of the team (the reason for the departure, the next steps), and acknowledge the employee's contribution. This response conveys confidence, which is essential for the staff's sense of resilience and the need for continuity. In some organizations, after an employee leaves, there is a tendency to diminish that employee's contribution. This practice is deplorable because the message conveyed to the remaining people is highly negative. An organization that does not recognize its employees' contributions after they leave does not truly appreciate their current employees' contributions either.

In one company I coached which faced particularly painful departures, the CEO made two important decisions. The first was to meet personally with every departing employee. The second was to instruct that a farewell meeting will be held for each departing employee, attended by one of the management team members. The impact of these two steps was strong and positive - the farewell experience improved dramatically, and the attrition rate decreased.

Ending is an inseparable and sometimes unavoidable part of the employee's life cycle. Quality leadership will elevate the strong emotions associated with separation towards recognition and strengthen the meaning of the shared journey of the team.